Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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