Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
