I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's blow job season.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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