I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
