Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
