ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize