you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
