My friends, they love my intelligence
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
