Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
