You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
