Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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