I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm having to shit out rocks
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
