If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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