Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
