Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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