If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
