I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
