he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize