We won't sleep together?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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