she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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