Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
