I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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