Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is Oprah even human
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
