He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
