he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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