I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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