rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
