All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
