if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
