Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
