Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
