I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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