There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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