dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
