glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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