Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
