She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
