Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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