is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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