About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I love you. Go after that dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
