Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
