Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
