the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
