a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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