I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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