1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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