So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
