Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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