before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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