found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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