we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize