Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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