Will you blow on my dice?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dicks are not precious.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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