i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
