I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
