I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
