I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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