We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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