bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
