i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
