Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
