So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
