Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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