is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it was like eating out sand paper
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
