I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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